Merry Christmas!

How was everyone's Christmas?!

It was good, tough at first since Mallissa wasn't here... Mom had to donate her gifts cause they were still sitting in the closet. I wasn't sure how the morning would go, it was our first Christmas with both families together. But we had fun opening all our gifts. Mom's theme this year was room decor and bedding. She is so cute. Dina got colorful bohemian, I got indian/african hippie, Lisa got maroon colors cause that's what she likes. Nick got just random guy stuff. 

Lisa's decor

Basically all the decor was the same stuff but different. We each had a mirror and canvas and bedding but to our themes. Best Christmas gifts ever!

We went to Aunt Jackie's as we usually do. I love my family, it's always a good time when we get together. Plus they put Kramer in a santa suit! Adorable! 

Hope everyone had a wonderful Christmas,

Christina

Happy Birthday to me!

It's is my 19th birthdayy, YAY! Oh my goodness. My last year in the teen's, I'm going to be in my 20's next year! This is so crazy. I am getting so old, it seems as the years go by so fast. Well, my birthday dinner was so fun. I had a blast. I'm so glad everyone came and had a goodtime. Tonight I have a christmas party, but everyone will be wishing me a happy birthday so I can't wait to go!

Last night was so fun also, my sister, Dina, and I went to her friend's house for a game night. I had so much fun! We played catch phrase, my oh my, does it get intense! I think I did pretty good for the most part. Some players were better then others... hahah. I hope we have a game night again soon!

Okay I'm off. I hope everyone has a wonderful holiday!!

My sister and I

our xmas card! hehe

Birthday Party

Hi everyone!

Gathered a few friends I don't get too see too often and went out to dinner for my birthday. We went to TGIF then headed back to the house to hang out and do birthday cake. It was fun to see everyone and catch up!

from the birthday girl,
Christina

I love getting all dressed up...

sometimes... haha

Tonight is my birthday dinner with some of my friends of women gender, my birthday is the 23rd, but everyone is always busy then so I'm celebrating is tonight! Hopefully everyone can come back to my house afterward for cake! I'm kind of nervous. I haven't hung out with girls in so long, I usually only leave the house when I go on a date, terrible. I know. I'm excited to reconnect with some girls though. Let's hope tonight goes well!

Things that really bug me, let me rant...

Cause ranting makes people feel better, right? I suppose.

1. People who think there all that, face it, your not. I know I'm not, but you don't get that you are not.
2. Not wanting a job, but wanting a job. I need it soon, gotta save up that money!
3. Guys, they are the most annoying people when it comes to love, but I hate girls, who does that leave me with? mhm. This is upsetting.
4. When you just want some cinnamelts from Mickey D's and you can't drive down the street to get it.
5. Speaking of which, not driving! That surely bugs me, will I ever learn?! Who knows, maybe I'm not meant to drive, do they hire free drivers for sweet girls like me? I wonder...
6. When getting older means... getting older.
7. I just want a best friend, girl, who is nice and not a backstabber... What's wrong with me that I can't keep a friend for long, their is just always something wrong with them. Ugh. How annoying is that!
8. Infommercials. And the fact that I stay up so late these days and nothing is on at that time.
9. Having metal problems. It really puts a bummer on life...
10. and lastly for today.. the fact my sister is in Boston and I am here, alone.

Sundayyy. My birthday dinner with friends of the women gender. I havn't seen most of them in a while. Come'on Christina lets get back in the social scene! I'm excited, but nervous. I'll try out my new handy dandy pills that make anxiety go away for a bit tonight and see if I'll want them for tomorrow.

oh and YES snow, beautiful snow is going to fall today/night. Maybe I'll take some new photos, flickr is a bit empty...

I hope you find happiness

Killing yourself will never be a solution to anything, promise me you will never do that to yourself no matter what you think, no matter how much you can't handle it, and even if you think you'll never be happy. It's a permanent solution to a temporary problem. And you not only take your own life but you affect all the other people you know around you.

Rest In Peace

Mallissa Christine Cascone 12/5/89 - 12/9/09

Yesterday my step sister killed herself, thinking this was the way to end all her problems. She was wrong. But maybe she will finally be happy and at peace. Nothing anyone did could have made her happy. Its just a shocking thing to experience. Hearing it, I didn't even believe it. I thought it was another dramatic act like she always did. She had serious mental problems I couldn't begin to understand. And now I know all the hate and fights she had with me and my family or anyone for that matter were her own problems.

I just hate that the last time I saw her was when she was yelling about how she couldn't stand me and my family. When all along the only person she couldn't stand was herself. No matter what we did, we couldn't help her. This is what she wanted all this comotion before her death, the drama, this is who she was, no matter if we wanted to change her or if she did, that was her and that's how she was.

I know during summer we got along and became friends, then after the whole stealing my friend thing and all the drama she caused we stopped talking. But even though it's hard to take back all the anger I have for her, I undertstand where all that stuff was coming from. It was her mental illness that was taking over her. I'm glad to know I did have a few memories with her. I hope she is finally truley happy where ever she is now.

Looking up to where she wants to be

Over the summer we were weird lol

me, her, and the girl I babysit during summer

emergency emergency call the doctor

   Well last night was super fun! Not. haha. Around 12 at night I had a slight headache and was super tired, so I got in the bed with my sister to sleep [I was sleeping over my aunt's] and we were sitting their for a bit.
   I had a pain in my stomach yesterday and today, but it was just something I thought I could ignore, till last night around 12:30. I thought maybe I needed some tums, so I crawl out of the bed and try to walk to the bathroom to get some.
   To my surpirse the pain had gotten so bad I couldn't stand. I fell to the floor and tried to crawl my way their, but any movement or turn I made brought on the pain even more. My sister and aunt wanted to bring me to the ER, I tried to protest cause I don't to be dramatic but I caved and said okay.
   I crawled to the stairs but could NOT make it anymore. So I sat on the staircase in pain trying not to move, feeling nauseous. After about twenty minutes I got to the top and just laid on the floor near the dog bowls waiting for the ambulance to show up. When they arrived all I saw where feet as they asked me questions and checked my heart. I was dreading about how they were going to get me on a stretcher. I did not want to move.
So I got up in sat in a chair and then tried to walk as fast as I could to the front door to the stretcher, I get a shot in the ambulance and then I feel soo much better. By the time I'm at the hospital I already feel fine. Then I feel like it was all dramatic and I just want to go home.
   They thought is was my appendix and it might be, so we have to watch myself today and for a few days to see if the pain comes back. I realllllly hope it doesn't it hurt so bad!! Ugh so that was my night and after staying their till 5 in the am I was released.  What an annoying night and now I have holes and sticker marks all over my arms chest and legs. Great.

The Borrowers...

   No, not the awesome movie, the annoying people. Now that I live with my step cousin, she's big on sharing each others things, but...

   My number one pet peeve is people who borrow my things. I'm mean I'm not a rude person who doesn't share but I just don't like letting people use my things. I can't say no when they ask which drives me up a wall. I don't mind people who borrow something every once in a blue moon or on a special occasion, but people who keep taking your things everyday drives me insane!

   Being OCD makes this even more annoying. I like my shoes, nail polish, make up, dvds, and perfume organized a certain way. But when these people borrow things they don't put anything back where it goes!! How difficult is it to put it back exactly the way you first saw it? Really. Also sharing make up and earrings is gross, but I can't say no when they ask cause I feel like I can't.

   Also you can't borrow perfume, you use it and I don't get that back. I don't use my perfume everyday just when I'm going certain places, that way it lasts longer. But she uses mine everyday! I wish she would just get her own, also she's used my Chanel earrings for a special occasion but she still wears them everyday, I want them back. She also has my favorite purse but it's my summer purse so I'm not using it now, but I want it to stay nice for next summer. I hate confronting people but I want to so bad. She even has my sweatshirt which I don't want back now cause she already shrunk it in the dryer. I'm just so annoyed. I'm lucky all the people in this house are twigs so I don't have to worry about most of my clothes cause I'm more curvy and their more boyish figures. If they shared my clothes too, I think I'd have a heart attack.

   And I take pride in keeping my shoes nice, I mean there not like crazy clean, but I don't want all my expensive shoes getting ruined when they go to parties and get wasted. I don't want beer all over them! I paid for them and I like to keep them nice. And I have this thing were when you wear a shoe it molds on the bottom to your foot, and if someone else wheres them it makes them weird. I know I'm strange but I don't want anyone using my stuff.

   It's not like I borrow anything of theirs. No shoes, jewelry, perfume, make up, nothing.  If I don't have something, that's it, I don't have it. I find something else to wear. And if I ever do borrow something I bring it back as soon as I'm done and I treat it with respect when in my possession. I either give it directly to the person or put it back exactly wear I got it.

   So lesson learned to the borrows, don't borrow every 5 seconds, the person letting you really does mind if you do! Borrow only when very important.


Okay rant over,
Christina

Winter Calm

Playing around with the camera at 1 in the morning, I really like this.

We got that holiday feelin'...

   I'm so happy that the holidays are coming up, Christmas time is my favourite time of the year. The music, the movies, the decorations, and most importantly being with my family. Plus having my birthday the 23rd of December helps me like this month even more. The day after Thanksgiving we put up the tree and decorate the house. We blast Christmas music and sing as loud as possible. I mean I listen to holiday music all year round, but now it's on the radio 24/7 so I'm very pleased.
   This year Christmas is very different though, since it will be the first Christmas with my step family. I really do wish we were both back in our seperate homes celebrating xmas. I don't like this change. It just doesn't feel the same. And people will be like it's cause your older now, but that's not why. It's cause these people I have to share this with don't feel the same way about the holidays like me and my mother. And this big home doesn't feel loving, it feels big, empty, and lonely. I miss my small condo where it was just me, my brother and sister and mom. Things were good then.

Just doin my job

For the holidays I'm going to be taking photos for all my sister's friends. They have little babies, so cute! I can't wait to photograph them. I'm trying to build up my portfolio, which is non exist at this point. Haha. One day I hope to be a photographer and open my own studio. I want to specialize in new born photos and pregnancy photos. I just think it's something beautiful to capture. It's like their first real photos. They don't even no the world yet, their just new and pure. And photos of pregnant women are beautiful, like to do it with their husband or even their kids. It's just special and something they can look back at and remember. I did some photos recently of just when I was with my aunt's neighbors. I got shots from when we were all outside, here...

aw sisterly love =]

Baby Taylor aww

Abby just chillin on the trampoline

I can't wait to do more, I get to do their christmas photos with their other sister who was playing when I shot these along with their two dogs! I'm so excited, wish me luck!

real men buy flowers

I just read this article, The concept was so great, and well written, I laughed a few times and felt moments of "aww".
READ IT :-)
Why real men DO buy women flowers

I've only got flowers once in my life from a guy, it was so sweet. I wasn't expecting it at all. It really does put a smile on a girls face. Most women love knowing that a guy is thinking of them and is sweet enough to get her flowers, it's something simple to show you care. Oh love is such a sweet thing.

Also I hate roses, any type, give me sunflowers [my fav] or wild flowers, anything colorful and beautiful.

Has anyone ever gotten you flowers, any particular reason or just a sweet surprise? :]

Save the drama for your mama

Serisously. I'm 18 and out of school, I don't need little high school girl drama running a muck in my life. Thats the reason I barely have friends that are girls, I don't like girls very much. The only friends in this silly world I love the most, are in fact guys. They never have drama, atleast the people I hang with. It's so nice to just sit and joke around with them instead of hearing some girls fighting over nothing.

I hate girls who just turn sixteen trying to start drama all up in my household between me and my stepsister who is nineteen. The youngin really needs to grow up and be a little mature, just cause she drinks and smokes weed all the time doesn't make you a adult. In fact, cause you think that makes you cool shows how immature you really are. I'm so done with you. Note the reason for being an 'ex' best friend. I deserve a good friend like I've always been, So if she doesn't mind, stay out of my life and especially out of my house, I'm so over you. hahaaa

ugh girls.

Fairy tales...

Sometimes fairy tales aren't like the books or the movies, but maybe, just maybe, their something more.
I'm not saying I don't like the whole prince charming thing but I like when the guy is a little more human and relatable. Not where I'm the damsel in distress. I want to be more of someone they can lean on as well. I want to be needed and loved, not some girl who can't take care of herself. Being needed makes you feel like your making a difference in someone's life when you help them out with their problems or just make the smile that day when your both bored. I don't need fancy ball gowns, royal dances, no kings and queens, or white horses. All I need is someone who will make me happy and except me for who I am.
Life is beautiful even with all the flaws that come with love and life. You just have to get through it and it makes your relationship even stronger and more meaningful. I've never been in love, but when it happens I want it to be real, not just another story.

Destiny?

Destiny is what controls are lives. I believe in soul mates. But I was never lucky to find mine. Now I realize I didn't need to be looking, fate will find me. If you look for something, it's planed and it just won't work, it has to just happen. Out of no where. That's how you know its real. Now I understand.
That why when I thought I found someone, I was wrong. Love happens by chance, maybe when your not even looking for it. Running into one another when passing through a small door, or happen to be reading the same book at a cafe, Maybe it's all about the timing. If I met him a week earlier I would have been unavailable, if a week later maybe he wouldn't have been there. Destiny, love, soul mates, fate it's all about that.
It's just about the right time and place for something to happen.

Movies can make my life so clear.

I am new

The steam is dancing up slowly,
The water tickles my skin ever so gently.
I'm exposing every flaw,
yet I feel so beautiful.
Hair untangles thoughts around suds,
Finger tips massage all the emotions around.
Soap cleansing the soul,
I am fresh.
I am new.

I wrote this little poem after taking a shower, haha. Showers hold something really special to me, weird to say. It's the only place I don't hide how I feel. When I'm sad, I'll cry all I want, sit on the floor and I won't be bothered. When I'm feeling happy, I play the music loud and sing my heart out. The shower makes me feel I can get a fresh start, start over. I wash away all the bad and it can make everything better. I love to shower :]

Running Away from Depression with you...

Grab your things. We're leaving, now.

There is nothing here for us anymore, can't you see? Here. It's torn us apart. No, not the people. Ourselves is what has done this. Our minds have gone sour and decaying in our thoughts.

Depression is killing us, why do you let it?

We could be happy. Together. Just push those things away, the things that say you have to be alone.
Miserable. Miserable. Miserable.

No, not anymore.
We have to run, far away from this pain. Find happiness. Find love. Find what we've always wanted. Isn't it what you wanted?

Or did you tell yourself, you can't handle this? It's too much for you, to push away those feelings. The ones that ruin us, that ruin me, that ruin you.

Pack, quickly. We're running out of time. The hate we have for ourselves is trying to take over. Hope is fading. Don't let it, please I beg you.

Let's go, and fast.

Hi

   I hung out with Helen today and this happened! We played with the camera setting and then I had fun with photoshop! I discovered my basement is really creepy and perfect for cool artsy photography!

Just a simple idea,

but it becomes a more complex thing when you actually start...

I'm going to write a book, well a girly teeny bopper novel. I'm not saying I'm a good writer, or that it'll be a good book, but I am doing it for me. I figure I will write from what I know, just like my favorite author, Sarah Dessen, does. I'm writing my life story but more elaborate and more interesting to read. I'm excited to start this, so far I've gotten the intro and start of chapter one. The book is more narrated then anything, I'm not much for dialogue. Their will be tid bits here and there of course. But it will mostly be from the mind of my character. Stella Garibaldi.

It's fun to write, without someone telling you what you need to write. Like in school I hated writ ting, but now I will write what I feel. So much better. Wish me luck on this voyage I'm taking. It will be a long process but I feel as though when I finish I'll be pleased.

Sugar Baby

Hi!

So last night I was bored so this is what happened...

When life sucks, it really sucks

Everything is just going down hill. My mom finally did the right thing, left her husband. But after 3 days she easily caved in and took the jerk back. His dumb crazy family of liars don't want us back, well I don't want them back. I'm living in my aunts basement for good. I'm never going back. I've been betrayed by everyone I love most. My mother picked him over me, what a great idea. And when she just gets hurt again I might not be here for her. I've been their since the beginning, through all the bad times that everyone easily seems to forget. I was the one that was their when she tried to kill herself, the one the took care of her when she was sad and crying. I mean I could careless what happens to that family, they are NOT my family.
I'm too nice and trust way too easily. I've been betrayed by my "stepsister" thought she was really my friend, but the whole time she plotted to separate the rents. Everything was a lie. Now the step is trying to steal my only real friend, my best. And it really hurts me. I love my best friend so much, she's a sister to me. But if my step takes her from me, I'll be all alone. I have enough problems with my family I thought I'd at least have my best friend to help me through it. But she'll start agreeing with the step. And I'll be soon forgotten. So I hope they all live happily ever after in their perfect home, and I hope my step and best friend have a grand ol' time having sleepovers and going to parties together.
I'll be fine, just fine.

super powers?

Mhm. My family and I must have super powers. It all happen in a split second. One minute the phsyco step dad was yelling at all of us for no reason. Then next, we had enough and went up stairs and started grabbing all our stuff. He left and that's when we called every family member we could. In less then 4 hours we had packed everything we own, though we didn't have boxs or anything, we did it. Using garbage bags and backpacks. We had about 12 cars in our drive way helping us out.
Now my step father is left with nothing. He doesn't even have a bed to sleep on. I just laugh cause he did this to himself. Now my mother and I are living in my aunt's basement. My brother is going to go to my grandma's apartment. And my sister is staying with her friend. I can't wait till we get an apartment. Living here is hard, I've lived here once before, but it gets annoying not living in my own place. Now I can't stay out late and such, I'm sharing a bed with my mom. We're living out of boxes. At least I have my family. But hopefully things will change soon. Till then, I'll put a smile on my face and pretend to be happy, for my mom, I rather her not worry about me. She has enough to deal with now.

6...

 
   That's the number of time's I've moved before my 18th birthday all after the age of 8 or so. Numbers 7 and 8 are soon to follow. Yes, I'm moving again. and again. This home I have now is the biggest and best house I've ever lived in. It consist of me, my sister, my brother, my mom & my step dad, step brother, step sister, and step cousin. We each have our own room in this historical home.

   Things were good for a bit. We moved in all together in April of 2009. But now it's August and we've discovered the real person we're living with. Seeing my mother cry almost every night is not something I was expecting from this. We have to move sneaky and fast. My mom & I are going to being living with my aunt, again, till we find a place for our family. I'm scared. I'm use to moving but change like this is a bit more difficult when their are other people involved. My step sister who has made such great progress with her depression and anxiety thanks to my mom and my family is taking this very hard.

   Its going to be tough trying to find a place for cheap. My mom got laid off before we moved in here so we don't have much money. She's so afraid being on her own again. Paying bills and renting an apartment is hard. No matter what anyone thinks.

   My mom has had a tough life and it seems that everything bad has to happen to her. She is the nicest and most caring person you'll ever meet. I've never meet someone who didn't like her. She taken in my friends in like family and even boyfriends I've had, she makes sure their loved. She is mom to all that enter her home. So maybe that's why I'm so confused to why bad things happen to her. Maybe one day everything will change for her. I can only hope. But as long as we have each other that's really all we need in life.

my eyes through the lens

Today my sister, my biggest fan in what ever I do, suggested today that I go into photography, but I wasn't sure about it at first. I feel as though I wouldn't be good enough. But maybe, just maybe, people would actually like it. I enjoy taking photos and editing them to perfection. I do very artsy photographs and I also like taking photos of people. Lately I've been doing under water stuff with my new camcorder that also takes stills, I'm saving up my money to buy a nice camera that can go under water though. Maybe that can be my signature thing. Under water. Everything and anything. Haha.
We'll see how this career will go. I'm going to enter my stuff in the fairs this fall and also sell at craft shows. Taking pictures of the town I sell in is good, a lot of business around town like that sort of thing in their stores, like a cute cafe or something always has that kind of stuff. But if this whole thing works, that'd be wonderful. Doing something I love and getting paid, what could be better!

Blackout

Sometimes that is what you want to happen, depression is a weird thing.

Summer Daze

...Thank you tripod for helping me with this, haha! Spent the night at Aunt Jackie's and the next morning took my camera put on a dress and posed for the camera!

Antiques

Went antique shopping by the shore with my Dad and his gf, Annie. Here are 2 cute pics of stuff I saw!

Okay, have a good day!
- Christina

Trapped

Title: "Trapped"

"She's in this mental state of mind and wanting to get out. But escaping is the most frightening thing, to be exposed to normalcy..."
-Christina Frances

Lost In My Own Wonderland...

   Just like Alice, I'm in my own make believe world. Seeing things much differently then others. Depression is what seems to consume my life. I am lost in the emotions that take over my brain. Sad, happy, angry, excited, sometimes all at once with other feelings in between. Do the meds help? Or the therapy? Sometimes I feel as though I'm stuck behind the door as the evil queen of "depression" is coming after me but the knob won't let me through the door. Though I'm crying for help, can anything save me? I stay hidden away from the world to afraid to leave my comfort of my own home.

   Though my house is filled with 8 people and a dog I stick to just myself and my sister. Senior year has ended and now I've become worse, school was something that forced me to leave my home. That's why I enjoyed it, seeing friends everyday and being an active member of society. Now I do nothing. I've only seen one friend this entire summer, my best friend. The anxiety of being lost here makes it hard to escape. Fear and paranoia consumes me. I'm so nervous that I can't do anything for myself. My biggest problem is talking to people I don't know, weather its at the cash register or at a party. I start to shake and panic. I become so hot and my ears mute everything around me. I hate this, I hate that I'm like this.

   But maybe one day the Cheshire cat will actually help and I can go back to the way I use to be and wake up from this mess life has created for me.