Friday, May 28, 2010

I Did It

I contacted my old high school best friends and asked to hang out! We went to the beach. I love the beach but never get to go so it was fun to go with her and her friends! So proud of myself for pushing myself to go out!



Thursday, May 27, 2010

Always alone.

Or so it seems...

   Why does everyone always forget to invite me anywhere. It really hurts my feelings. Yesterday like everyone went to the beach, and did anyone ask if I could join them? Negative. I'm like the forgotten friend. I know I don't hang out with everyone as much as they all do, but they KNOW I have problems. I'm trying to work on it. I really just want some close friends that are girls, so bad. I want to go to the mall, have sleepovers, do a girls night, gossip about boys, go to the beach. Anything.

   Yesterday I cried to my sister, saying all this. I love my guy friends, but I really need some girls in my life. I miss having a best girl friend, who I did everything with. And anytime I do hang with a girl, one of my friends from high school, it's always a one on one, I miss doing a few people or anywhere but this house.

I NEED to get out of here. Meet new people. Move away and find what I'm looking for, whatever that may be.

Tuesday, May 25, 2010

The Hairy Little Princess.



I'm so worried about her lately. Nikita Marie hasn't been acting like herself. She's been a bad girl and running out of the yard, like everyday, when people are walking by and worse if they are with a dog. She will go up to the dog and be mean to them. She never would leave the yard before. I think it's cause she's getting really old. She's losing her marbles. She goes in the trash when she's hungry sometimes or doesn't come when we call her. She was the best dog ever, she use to always listen, we never needed a collar or leash for her. But lately we can't let her outside without watching her.

Also she seems sad lately. Her mother is gone forever. Mallissa, my stepsister is no longer with us, RIP. And Kita was her baby. Nikita always was so happy when Mallis' was around. And right after Mallissa's death Nikita was so lost and confused, she would go sit by her door. It was the saddest thing you'd ever see. Made me cry seeing her so sad, cause she's old we really worried about her, because it's true you can die from a broken heart.

I've taken over Kita for Mallis'. Making sure she sleeps with me and is loved all the time. I feed her and pet her belly and tell her she's beautiful, lile Mallissa did. And everyone in the house is doing their part too. Nikita is treated like royalty in this house. But I'm afraid she's just too old now, and I'm so scared of losing her.

I've never lost a dog in my own house before. I've had to give away my dog when I moved, but I was unaware of that till she was gone, I cried for months. And my aunt and uncle's dogs both passed, I grew up with them since I was a baby I knew Bud and J.D., I've slept in their cages when I was 3 because I loved them so much. When they died, not even a year apart when I was 16, It broke my heart and it still hurts to think about them. And now I have Nikita Marie, a 14 year old baby, whom I terrified of losing. I know she's old and has bad hips and is acting different and she'd be with her mommy, but it's so hard to lose her.

Rest In Peace to all the dogs that have been in my life that have passed. You are missed. And for the dogs in my life that are still here, may you live and be loved for as long as possible.

Monday, May 17, 2010

You can't help everyone.

   No matter how hard you try, you never can help everyone. We took someone in. But we couldn't change him for the better. Drugs are evil and can take over a person, you can see the difference. And it's really terrible. To watch someone go to rock bottom after trying to help them move on and be successful. He was normal and fun when he first came here in to our home, but then over the weeks he changed, he'd fall asleep all the time while eating, holding a cigarette, taking a drink. Nothing I've ever seen before. All he did was complain and mope around. He wasn't the same person we thought he was. Though we wanted to help him, we can't change everyone and put others at risk. We already have enough nuts in this house, we can't have another druggie. We just can't. So we had to say goodbye. Hopefully he realizes what he had and works hard to stay clean and keep his job. Thats all for now.

*EDIT* 2012

   We have found out that Will had died of an overdose... Apparently months ago in some motel. My brother hadn't talked to him in a year(ish) because he needed to put himself first and not get caught up in that. It's sad, but in the end people will do what they want to do even if it's bad for them. I will though remember the good times we all had with him and try not to think of the bad. Drugs are a terrible thing to be addicted to, a very scary thing.


Sunday, May 9, 2010

Ma, mama, Mother, Mom, Mommy, Maja

I love my mom so much. she is the best mom,whether she thinks so or not.

And Happy Mother's Day to all my moms. Cause I have/had many through out my life. My own mother, my aunt, my sister, My grams, my neighbors, my friends mothers. I'm so lucky to say they've all taught me things that made me the person I am today and they have all given me love. I'm so thankful to have had each one of those mothers in my life.
Me and my mommy

My Aunt Jackie and my Sister

Saturday, May 8, 2010

Thunder storms today....

My philosophy has and will always be....
If you were in, you were in, if you were out, you were out. There isn't a happy medium, its just not fair that way.


Whether you liked it or not, that's just the way it is. And you can't change it.

Friday, May 7, 2010

I don't know where I'm going...

But I am. Soon. Then everything will be right.

   I often think time to time, that I'm not good enough for someone to love me. How could anyone love such a mess and a girl with so many problems. But then I'm reminded that I'm an actually a great person. I love my family with all my heart, I care for all the people that are in my life, I'm one of those people who can be an instant best friend even if we just met a few hours ago. I'm a open hearted free spirit who will give you everything I can offer you without even being asked.  And I have to say I'm proud of that.

   You may get my trust and honesty within the first greeting, but you also can loose it. I know I think the best of everyone, though I shouldn't trust too easily. I will be open with you and I expect the same in return. And if you hurt me, chances are you'll never know.

   I just wish more people would understand that I'm not perfect. And I can't even begin to try and be. I think I've grown up to be a young lady who respects and cares for everyone I come across. Maybe sometimes I'm too nice, or get paranoid too easy. But overall I'm very rare. Not many people are like me, well I haven't met anyone like me, yet. Maybe one day I'll be truly happy with who I am, and try to remember that I'm unique and anyone would be lucky to be my friend or love.

Let's ponder on that.

Thursday, May 6, 2010

Life is filled with constant change

   People are always coming and going as you travel through the chapters of your life. One minute you talk to those people all the time, their the first person you run to when you have a story or something exciting is happening, then next minute it's like they don't exist. When you see them, you walk right by as if you never had a friendship or relationship with them. Life is strange.
   My mom always says that the people who've been in your life were their when you needed that person most, and when they leave it doesn't mean they don't matter anymore, it's just time to move forth. Some people are no longer in your life but you still love them and would love to catch up with them, but then a lot of times, some you hate and wish never existed. But I guess that's just how things are. People come and go. You're always going to find new people and you'll always remember the old.

Sunday, May 2, 2010

it's funny

how somethings don't work out, and it's funny how somethings do.