Bipolar disorder, or manic depression, is a serious mental disorder that causes extreme shifts in mood, energy, and functioning. 2.3 million Americans are affected by it. There are two phases, manic phase and depressed phase. I have bipolar II, which is a less severe manic phase but the depressive episodes are the same as bipolar I.
For me, when I’m on the manic side of the poles, some things
that I experience are larger amounts of energy. My thoughts race so fast that
my head starts to hurt because I can’t process everything I’m thinking about.
My brain is going a mile a minute. It is frustrating, especially when it’s time
to go to bed. You want to shut your brain off. I also talk a lot more, and in
my head I keep telling myself “Okay, Christina, stop talking. You’re starting
to get annoying!” but I can’t. I keep going on and on. I get urges to start
projects and get overwhelmed with all my ideas running in my head. I get really amped for little things like
something good happened on my tv show or finish organizing my closet. I can
also get really angry and lash out at people close to me, I will take things
out on other people. (thankfully that rarely happens now!) If I’m in a mood,
pretty much anything will piss me off. Another thing that happens in this
state, is getting overly confident and coincided.
Then comes my depressed phase… this is the one I’d say I have about 75% of the time. I
don’t like anything about myself during this time. It’s like a roller coaster
(And I hate those!). After a manic day, the next one I’m at my lowest. I get
incredibly sad, and for no reason. I cry a lot and I keep thinking “Why the
heck are you crying?!” but I can’t stop. A lot of people think I don’t like
them or “too good” to hang out with them because I never go out, it’s
frustrating because you lose a lot of friends this way. Then you feel even more
alone then before. I start to hate myself and the way I am.
After high school, I literally spent over a year not leaving
my house, other then to family’s houses. I went out once to a party with the
only friend I had then, as soon as I got there I had a panic attack and had to
go home (I will talk about those tomorrow). I am no longer friends with her,
she told me she couldn’t be around someone like me. Then I was down to no
friends. My days were wake up, eat, do nothing, cry, sleep. It was one of the
hardest years for me.
Eventually I talked about it and got the help I needed. I
went to therapy and went on medication. The thing about medication, chances are
it won’t work on the first try. There are many different types and you have to
find the right one for your brain. I tried 4 or 5 before the one I’m on now.
First we only thought it was only depression, and then figured out it was
bipolar disorder, which runs in my family. Now I’m on mood stabilizers which
help me so much. I am a lot better (and no, I’m not “zombied out”) but I still
have to work to make myself do things, like go out or talk to people. It’s
hard. But I have one of the best support systems a person could ask for! My
wonderful family and my amazing boyfriend who gets me through each day!
This is only a little bit of what I deal with, I would have
to write a novel to explain it all. But maybe this will give you a better look
on what I go through and feel.
xo Christina
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