Once a night, I see you.

   In my dreams, even if for a split second, your beautiful face appears. Sometimes it's a replay of summer when we were close, a time we had together, laughing and joking, making videos and taking pictures. You telling me some crazy story and me just nodding my head and saying "righhht". Then sometimes it's every time we had a conflict [basically are whole relationship in the end, over a stupid friend who didn‘t matter] and you were screaming at me or causing drama in the house. And I wake up so upset and hate that's the last time I ever saw you. It seems like something you'd see in a movie, a huge fight before someone dies, then everyone regrets it or thinks it's their fault. But apparently these things can happen in real life, apparently they can happen to me.


   Other times it's something completely made up in my head. Where you're still alive, it was all a joke, haha just so funny, to make everyone sad and miss you, just one of the many crazy things you did, so every ones attention would be on you. Except that time you went to far, you pretended you killed yourself. I start yelling at you and saying how stupid you were for doing that to everyone who loves you, my hands gripped on your arms trying to shake the sense into you, I cry as I'm telling you I don't care whatever happened and I pull you in close for a hug and then you ball your eyes out and hug me back and say you're sorry. Then everything becomes okay, cause you're alive. You're here in my arms. But then... I wake up and it's reality again, you're still gone. It wasn't just a dumb joke, thinking you had us all going, you really did it. Like you said.

   Sometimes I wish when you said the crazy things you said, you said it more serious, not joking. Maybe then we would of believed you. Maybe we could of stopped you. Maybe if you didn't pretend a thousand times before, it wouldn't have been a little girl who cried suicide, just the girl who wants all eyes on her, the dramatic one. Maybe you wouldn't have really done it. And maybe you'd still be here.

   Other times I blame myself or her. Thinking, what if we had still been close, you were so much more happier then. Everyone saw a difference in the house, you were just a normal girl with your feisty personality and spunk. You weren't perfect, but no one in this house is, you were dealing with your problems, as was all of us crazies. Then you drifted back to more drinking and smoking. And where was I? Crying and upset, we could of saved each other. From our own depressions. Instead we stayed separate. And here I am... alone.

   And maybe you're finally truly happy. But I don't know, things could have been different. But for now I'll just see you in the night. And stop thinking what if...

Rest in peace my dear sister, you'll always be in my heart.