The Big Bipolar Race

   Brains can be very annoying if you have bipolar disorder for many reasons. I mean there is good stuff too, don't get me wrong! But one thing that drives me nuts about how my brain works is that my mind won't shut up! Trying to sleep when your mind keeps racing is frustrating. Sometimes I get so mad and annoyed by it that I start to cry. Tossing and turning for hours as your thoughts jump from one topic to another. I get very obsessive with things.

   Last night my mind couldn't stop planning my home makeover, it sounds dumb but I just kept thinking, thinking, thinking. What color should I paint the bathroom? When are we redoing the tile? I need to finish the kitchen though! Where should I get the wall decor? Michaels or Target? Maybe I should paint the cabinets white, maybe black? Crap! I should finish the bedroom, we haven't done anything in here! We need a headboard, ohhh and we need new bedding! But our furniture is all mismatched, it doesn't look good... maybe I should just paint it! Can you paint Ikea furniture? Maybe I can buy new stuff that matches... I don't have the money for that!

   I just wish I could turn off a switch so I could get a good night's sleep. This happens most nights. With topics varying from things currently going on in my life or things from when I was in high school. Replaying, replaying, replaying. I'll think the same thought 20 times in a row. Sometimes I think maybe I should get sleeping pills so I can get some sleep but then I hear people can become dependent on those and never get good sleep without them! I definitely don't want that!

   Well, eventually I make it to the finish line and fall asleep, but the race there is exhausting and emotionally draining at times. Sometimes I don't want to run a 5k, sometimes I want to pass out the moment my head hits the pillow.